Holding in a Sigh of Relief

Is this it…?
Could it be?

The mounting debt and looming concept of paying rent on two places seem to say otherwise… But the feeling is still unshakable.

I’ve done it… Again.

5 years ago, I ran from Indiana to save my life, and I ended up broke and homeless in Portland, Oregon. By day I searched for jobs and spent money that I didn’t have to park my car and eat cheep fast food; by night I curled up in my beat up ’95 Corsica in supermarket parking lots around the city… Hoping that I wouldn’t have any trouble with cops.

It took months for me to get fully on my feet; with full time work that would support me, and a stable home. But my eventual success is what drove me to make the daring attempt again, only this time I was lucky enough to have housing covered already. And now, in what will be just shy of two months, I’ll have that full time employment that will cover the bills (outstanding questions aside…)

Yet I still find myself unable to relax… And I haven’t quite pinned down why.

So much has changed in these last few months… Which may very well be all that this is. In June, I was living in Portland… A shining beacon of the Liberal and LGBT communities… A place where walking and public transit were widely used and viable. A place where a safety net had been established (after much blood, sweat, and tears…)

And now, here I am, starting all over in the South-East; a place that seems to sprawl on endlessly… A place where hearing someone mutter ‘faggot’ under their breath (or even louder) isn’t that uncommon… And I have to remind myself what it’s all for. I have to remember that I signed up for this life, and there’s no take-backsies…

Some days (more than others…) The exciting and almost glamours shine of this wandering lifestyle fades into the background of all the noise from everyday life, and I’m left feeling shaken and out of place. But I can’t let that steer me away from the end game… Can’t let that settle in and become the norm. Otherwise all of this is for nothing. The fears and the anxieties have to take a backseat to the curiosity, to the wonder of it all.

Not all who wander are lost, and lost is something that I’ve never claimed to be.

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