An Oddity of Emotion

Week has been… for lack of a better word, meh. It’s almost like being on the verge of tears when nothing is really wrong, or that feeling you have after you realize that things have gone south in your relationship. I have the simulations urge to curl up on the couch with a carton of ice cream and binge watch a show on Netflix, and hiding in my bed and not speaking to anyone.

I can’t really tell if it’s because I’m disheartened by the job hunt (paired with the looming financial debacle,) because I realized that this past year is the longest that I’ve been single since I was 17, the lack of deep emotional feelings towards someone, or the always jarring note from someone that I talk about my ex’s a lot.

Or it’s a little of all of that. Either way, it’s difficult to kick the feeling of a black cloud looming over life, making productivity and attentiveness difficult at the best of times.

It’s also been spurred on both by reading Simon VS the Homo Sapiens Agenda, and feeling such heartache for what the character had to go through by being forced out of the closet, but also the innocence of the love he felt towards his mystery man Blue. And also by the fact that for what is probably the first time in recent years… I met a guy and we hung out a handful of times, just chatting and getting to know each other. The other night we were hanging out, after we finished watching the (second) movie, he walked me out to my car (such a gentleman,) and as I was getting in, he leaned in and gave me a kiss goodnight.

As simple as that… though he did steal a quick second kiss before pulling away and wishing me a safe drive home. I couldn’t quite figure out why I couldn’t get it out of my head… Until I realized that the only other time a guy had done something so innocently romantic (that I wasn’t in a committed relationship with), was when I had my first kiss with my ex Philip.

So many others have presumed, or taken, or there was just a mutual desire for sex…

The worst part of it all?

I didn’t feel a thing…

No spark, no chemistry, my heart continued along its steady rhythm, and no butterflies fluttered in my stomach.

I still haven’t quite figured out how to process it all… Or how to tell him, for that matter. I’m not even sure how to say that I’m relieved that nothing came of it… Because I’m not ready to find myself feeling that all too familiar tug of Love, or Feelings. I’m still too invested in figuring my shit out… I don’t have room for someone else yet… And I don’t think I want to have room, not after Jarod…Austin…James.

I think all of that is loneliness sinking in… But loneliness isn’t a bad thing, so long as it’s not allowed to fester. So I think I’ll give it a shot… Try to keep my neck clear of all the drama, accept the loneliness of a half empty bed, and try to move on with my life.

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